The fight is not for me - but for them
The fight is not for me – but for them
Happy Mother’s Day to all the wonderful mothers in our lives and those that we have lost.
On this day in which families across the world are honoring moms, wives, and grandmothers – I have found myself pondering how my wonderful children view me as a mom while I continue to go through cancer treatment, and now as I try to go through cancer treatment while the world endures a prolific pandemic.
I have been battling cancer for almost four years now and have been in and out of treatment so many times, it is hard to recall them all. So, I wonder, have my children been missing out on certain childhood moments and opportunities? How have my challenges helped to shape the people they will become? I think it is clear that my journey has given them a unique perspective, and while it most certainly hasn’t been easy, I believe it has given them a sympathetic point of view for others in their own lives, and ambition to tackle large societal problems.
Many children view their mother as a superhero. Solver of problems, a provider of wisdom and foundation for consistency in their lives. Do my kids view me as more of a superhero due to my fight with cancer, or less, because of the effects the battle has had on my physical, mental, and emotional well-being?
I think most moms face a self-imposed guilt – that we are not raising our children perfectly. I know I have struggled with an extreme amount of ‘mom-guilt’ over the last four years, when so much of my energy has had to be focused on my health, and my treatment. We have gone on fewer vacations, the kids have been involved in less activities, and the general normalcy they might look for from their mother has been replaced by varying levels of stress and worry.
In the current situation with COVID-19, we can’t be like everyone else. While many families have had the ability to visit family and friends in small settings, take a trip to the grocery store, order take-out, and/or bring their children on walks; we have had to be super vigilant. Super vigilant means so many restrictions to us all. I find myself telling the kids I’d love to go out on a walk and they immediately turn into the COVID-police... “No! Mom, it’s too dangerous. It’s not worth it.” I know many of us when the pandemic has slowed will have long lasting anxiety and a very different perspective on safety.
What is most valuable to me as a mother are the memories and cherished moments I spend with my children. Having a positive impact on how they grow and the ability to nurture them into adulthood is so rewarding. As my cancer journey began, my main focus was to beat this disease and ease the pain as quickly as possible. I went distinctively into a fight or flight mode. Many of my motherly duties came second. As my cancer has progressed, my focus has shifted. I no longer have the perspective I once did. My focus is one only thing only, my children. Friends and family that are close to me may wonder how much I can take; “is she able to continue on this path?” Many would have crumbled under the weight and pain of it all. As a mother going through cancer – the fight is not for me, but for them.
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